Ho Ho Ho and Hold the Classified Files: Pentagon Promises Safe Passage for Santa

Christmas cheer just got a boost from the unlikeliest of sources: the Pentagon. In a heartwarming twist on security concerns, the Department of Defense has pledged to ensure Santa Claus and his reindeer encounter no bumps on the sleigh ride this Christmas Eve.

Press Secretary Patrick Ryder addressed the question on everyone's minds: just how will Santa, his "assets," and all those elves navigate the holiday airspace with such seamless efficiency? While remaining mum on the specifics, Ryder emphasized that this mission falls under the umbrella of "controlled, unclassified information." Rest assured, he declared, Santa's journey will be. . .